INTRODUCTION
I may not be an expert or a love guru but I am here to share my experience about the remedy of heartbroken that is going on in our life. I just want to tell anyone that reading this and suffering from a broken heart that you will be okay. You will get over this. Some of you may be thinking to yourself “I’ll never get over him or her”. Believe me, you will. Or some of you may be thinking “I won’t feel this way for someone ever again”. Once again, you will. When I broke up with my ex, I feel like I can't even catch my breath to some extent. I felt like I lost my other half, and although it's only been three months since I lost her, I felt the pain was getting worse. It felt like the pain is an ocean, and I'm drowning in it. I couldn’t catch my breath, and I thought there must be weights tied to my feet, because I was only sinking further. They said time heals but it seems as if every minute was translating to another gallon of pain for me to drown in. I'm walking on the track in reverse, and I've felt I’d lost my mind. Whenever anyone talks about any girl, I just think of my ex. When-ever someone says something about a female, my ex was the first that pops up in my mind. I felt myself dying inside and not ever being able to recover from that heart-broken. This is what happens to you when you lost the one you really love.
However, you’re not going crazy or losing your mind. You’re not becoming a hopeless, pathetic emotional wreck either. Your life is not remotely close to being over. You’re just hurting right, hurting really badly and that is ok. All you need is time. It’s true that time does heal all wounds. How long it’ll take to heal? It all depends on you and remember “Rome wasn’t built in one day” and therefore it may not take a day or two but time does heal all wounds.
Heartbroken is when a person that we love tend to abuse our hopes, dream, love, trust and respect, which in later stages, leaves us being hurt or in pain without caring for us. When you are hurt, you will feel pain and this is the hardest emotion that we have to deal during heartbroken. Whether we like it or not we have to face it. The pain is what keeps people from being out of control and not thinking straight. Some even have the decency to try out suicide. Well keep in mind that heartbroken is TEMPORARY but suicide is PERMANENT. By committing suicide, you’re just letting that person that makes all the damage to you wins. U can’t solve anything by committing suicide.
PAIN IS NOT A BAD THING
One important thing that some people took away from a breakup is that they feared the pain. They were so afraid of the pain that they would put themselves through all of these complicated emotional “workarounds” just to avoid the pain. I think we make it harder by all of the avoidance behaviours we engage and that simply postpone the true healing process.
If you really loved someone, then the pain is something you SHOULD feel. Pain is not a bad thing. It is healthy and restorative. Pain means someone was important to you. It means that you are capable of deep love. By allowing the pain to freely move through you means that healing is taking place. Pain is your ally.
When you put weight on a broken ankle, pain is the sensation telling you “not yet”, the ankle isn’t ready”. The pain is protecting you and alerting the brain of an area that requires resources and time. Well, emotional pain serves the same purpose.
The human brain is an absolutely astounding creation by god. Your brain relies on pain. It’s the feedback your brain needs to learn that the normal pathways associated with a certain person it once considered highly pleasurable are now highly UNPLEASANT. Your brain needs this pain to learn that this person is no longer to be associated with those positive feelings.
Over time, your thoughts of the person will lose what is called the “emotional charge” and the thought of your ex lover literally no longer carries the same electrical current.
EMOTIONALLY MATURE PERSON
An emotionally mature person knows that you can’t make anyone love you no matter how much you love them. “Love cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding”. The pain of breakup is awful at first. There’s no denying this, but as bad as it may be, it isn’t lethal. The pain itself can’t kill you and in time, it passes.
How you come to handle a breakup is really a sign of your emotional maturity. As you mature emotionally, you’ll handle them differently, and better.
Strive to be the emotionally mature adult who understands several things about losing a relationship with someone they love. This does not mean controlled or indifferent about the hurt you’re facing. Most importantly that you and YOU are alone responsible for your happiness and emotional well-being and that regardless of the crises, you will eventually feel better.
Signs of Emotionally Maturity
An emotionally mature adult understands that it will HURT BADLY and they make room for this in their lives. They make that time and space necessary to breakdown and fall apart.
An emotionally mature adult understands that it’s ok to cry even a lot. (This is especially true for us men who feel crying is inappropriate). Crying is very beneficial to healing and so is talking to someone about their feelings or even writing them down. *Personal Note: The first month when I broke up with my ex, I didn’t allow myself to cry, even in private. I just became detached, numb and having sleeping disorder which led to a prolonged recovery and a bad depression that I eventually have to take some anti depression pills to help me straightened up. After the 1 months period, I made it a point to cry privately and intensely. I also kept a journal too and went to a love forum on the internet expressing how I feel which was VERY helpful.
An emotionally mature adult understands that the pain is necessary and that regardless of its intensity, it nonetheless TEMPORARY.
An emotionally mature adult is not afraid of the pain. Whether they like it or not, they accept it and know they have to face it. They allow it to fully flow through them. They don’t try to distract themselves of it, deny it, numb it or self-medicate it. They say to their pain “do your worst, I can take it”. Some people come to the extends of drowning themselves in alcohol (which I’ve done myself on the first 2 months of my break up) or taking drugs, but in honesty all these doesn’t help to cure the pain..It just worsens it when you get sober and what’s worse you’re damaging your health as well.
An emotionally mature adults understand that it makes no sense whatsoever to think that they can change the outcome of the breakup and that they don’t allow themselves to go through the futile exercises of begging, waiting, continuously calling, writing letter, sending email, pleading or trying to show their ex that they’ve “changed” in attempts to get the relationship back . I’ve experienced this with my previous ex girlfriend that the more you begged, calling or flood their email, the more they lose their respect to you as they already had in the first place. There’s no point in loving someone when they do not have any respect for u and that they can’t appreciate u. “When she cheated on you over some guy, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. For forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.”
An emotionally mature adult knows that the only way they will get past their break up is by having ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with their ex for an extended period of time and giving themselves distance. If somebody dumps u because they doesn’t appreciate u or can’t wait for u then it is their loss for giving up someone who truly loves them. There is no point in contacting them as you will get hurt by their answer or attitude which leads to prolonged recovery. If they still love you then they will call u, they will come to u by hell or high water. I know sometimes some dumper would just simply call the person they dump just to say hi or whatever reason (without having the intention of taking them back). These people is holding you on a string and keeping you dangling or hanging which they love to do so. I believe this is a cruel and selfish act. They're the ones who want the distance, but when you comply with their wishes they get all needy. These people just need to know they call the shots. Remember, anyone who messes with your emotions, is not worth dealing with, because they'll always expect YOU to go that extra nine yards for THEM. They should know better that emotions are not collector’s item. So turn the cards or table if you have to n let them know that the only reason they should call is when they want to say “Let’s get together again.” Other than that, then it should be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT.
An emotionally mature adult knows that during this period of time (No contact), they will not be themselves. They will behave irrationally and be overwhelmed by their feelings at times. They will fell a compulsive need to contact their ex or question everything about the relationship. They know they will feel extremely angry, insecure or jealous for a period of time.
An emotionally mature adult knows that the constant ‘longing’ or ‘yearning’ and the hit to their self-esteem following a breakup is a normal part of the grieving process and that they can allow the feelings and fully feel them without giving into them or acting on them.
An emotionally mature person knows all that mention above shall pass and they know that in time, this person will no longer stir the same feelings in them.
An emotionally mature person knows that when he or she is ready, they will fall in love again because they know that the feeling comes from the inside and NOT from the object of their affection.
An emotionally mature person knows that they should forgive the person who hurt them as forgiveness brings inner peace. They knows that they are glad for having her/him as part of their lives for her/him have open their eyes to True Love which once gave them happiness.
DEFINITION OF “NO CONTACT” (NC)
Q. What is no contact?
A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.
Q. What is no contact for?
A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.
Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.
Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?
A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.
Q. What should I be doing during NC?
A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counselling, by all means go.
Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.
A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of understanding, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.
Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being number 2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.
Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??
A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out; don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.
Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex?
A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, and don’t beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an asshole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.
Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what should I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a sceptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.
Q. What happens if I break NC?
A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start the healing process all over again. Don't believe me? Then asked people who have implemented no contact and broke them. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are. As "love expertise (such as Hartmann)" says, you can't handle what they have to say right now. Not yet. Wait until you are finally healed. Personal Note: I have broken contact with my ex today n I felt like I am back to square one. What hurts the most is that knowing she never care about me and that the only thing she replied was she has change her phone number and will not be using the current number anymore..I feel like everything inside of me is being torn apart. I feel like I have just been out from hell and suddenly its sucking me right back in.
Q. What if I see them in public?
A. Avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them. You yourself are responsible for your happiness. Not them!!!!
Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?
A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.
Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.
Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.
Above all, never tell yourself that "I'm not good enough; no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you can be.
Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to you’re ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. Accept what has happened, to let go completely and to be free to love again.
GUIDE TO SECOND CHANCE
Ok, first off I am not expert in second chances, but I wanted to pass along what might possibly work the best. So many people here say give up and forget a second chance. I think pining around for a second chance leaves you no room for success.
So, I wrote this guide with all I have learned over the past several months of research and yes, I am implementing every single one of these points, including realizing that I may never get her back. Either way, I figure if I follow this guideline, I'll be better off in the long run, so that is what I am doing.
Now, keep in mind I didn't come up with all this stuff. Most of it is a compilation of expert opinions, personal experience and the experience of others who have made second chances happen and work.
You'll either get your ex back or you will find someone even better for you. Bottom line, this guideline to help you heal and become stronger as fast as you possibly can and above all, LEARNS.
1. LET GO: Yes, I said LET GO. No matter how much you love and care for your ex, as long as you stay attached to them and are hoping/praying for a second chance, you will not follow the rest of the guideline and heal completely unless you first truly let go. The reason for this is allow your heart to heal, to focus on self-reflection and improvement and to get your mind and body in a state of happiness. No second chance will work if you are still pining and miserable over losing your ex.
2. NO CONTACT: That means exactly what it says. For the first month or two, you must never contact your ex under any circumstances. If you do, you will have to start the process over again. That means no emails/text/drunk dialling, etc. Now, that doesn't mean if they contact you that you should never reply (chose wisely) but if you do, make sure to keep any replies short, sweet and to the point. Take your time before replying, even several days. It's good to sleep on an email before replying so you have a clear head and are not replying with a ton of emotion. Never discuss the relationship during your healing phase and above all, DO NOT STALK YOUR EX. Do not try and find information about them. Whatever is going on in their life, you can't handle the information right now. Stay away from their web pages, blogs, etc. Don't talk to mutual friends (trust me, they will share any negative comments) Ignorance is bliss. Don't focus on who they are with and what they are doing. It will only torture you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and while they may be living it up with the new person in their life, chances are it's a rebound for them as well. It may take up to six months to a year for their new person's bad side to show through. In the meantime if you screw it up by clinging to them, bad mouthing them or otherwise stalking them, you will only serve to push them away even further. Remember that any conversations with your ex should be pleasurable ones. That is what they will remember. If you are constantly arguing with them or otherwise trying to cling to them and force them back to you, you will make it a painful experience and that is what they will associate with you. Happy/Fun/Pleasurable is good. Arguing/Clinging/Whining/Crying is very, very bad.
3. DO NOT BE FRIENDS: It is impossible to be friends with someone you are deeply in love with. It just won't work. All it will do is show your ex that you will accept second class treatment (in which any respect you had at that point from them will be lost). In addition it will delay your healing process. The longer you cling to hope, the longer it will take for you to truly let go and complete the healing process. I realize to some degree this is counter to your goal, winning them back, but is essential. Your ex doesn't want you all broken and shattered. Have you ever met someone on the rebound and dated them? If so, it probably didn't last long as you saw yourself feeling sorry for them. Their lack of confidence and self-respect is not attractive. Respect precedes love and you cannot respect someone who doesn't respect themselves first. Also keep in mind you cannot expect someone to love someone who doesn't love themselves. And you cannot make someone happy if you cannot make yourself happy. Remember, all the good/healthy feelings you want your ex to feel about you will only come if you feel them about yourself first - and believe it.
4. FOCUS ON YOU: Allow for the normal grieving process, of course. How long it takes it completely dependent on you. The period of NO CONTACT will go a long way toward helping you focus on yourself and you’re healing. It doesn't matter what your ex is doing right now or who they are seeing. You need to let go of things you have no control over and unfortunately in your case, you are no longer dating so all you have left is you.
5. RE-ACQUAINT YOURSELF WITH FRIENDS: Pick up your phone book or email list and start making contact with friends you haven't hung out with lately. Get out of the house and go hang out with them. Right now you're feeling down and out and a little quality time with your friends will go a long way towards healing your spirit. Do talk about the relationship with them if you wish, but don't dwell on it. If they are friends with your ex, realize anything you say (good or bad) will get back to them. Focus more on what they did to get over and ex and listen to any positive advice they give you. Primarily though you want to invest the time with friends to get your mind OFF your ex and more on fun and bonding. Make new friends as well.
6. GET TO THE GYM: It's a proven fact that no drug works better at getting someone out of depression faster than endorphins. I do not believe the old adage "The best way to get over someone is to get UNDER someone else." If your head is not in the right place, some meaningless sex will only make you miss the ex even more. While you have the feeling of being lonely, sex isn't the answer. At least not right now. Companionship is what you are missing and in the interim, talk to you friends and work out.
7. DIVE INTO HOBBIES: Now that you have some free time on your hands, rather than sitting around at home feeling sorry for yourself, engage your mind. Do something you've always wanted to do as a hobby. Fly model airplanes, take up hiking or mountain climbing, start biking, take a college course in computers, play video games. Your mind can usually only focus on one thing at one time and keeping your mind engaged on hobbies will take it off your ex.
8. PUT THE DRINK/DRUGS DOWN: Yes, it's ok to occasionally go out with friends and have a drink, but don't over-do it. Drinking heavily leads to depression which will not only delay your healing process, but quite possibly throw you into an un-recoverable downward spiral. Not only that but it will put you out of shape and you will lose any gains from working out.
9. REBUILD YOUR CONFIDENCE AND SELF-ESTEEM: It's normal to be dumped and have your self-esteem and confidence taken a hit. Those who recover the fastest are those who have the strongest self of self-worth. Many relationships end in failure and not all of us were meant to be together. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you focus on your needs and rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the sooner you will recover - and be stronger.
10. UNDERSTAND WHAT WENT WRONG: Instead of focusing on what your Ex did to cause the demise of the relationship, focus on learning a lesson and improving where you can. If you became clingy, then rebuild your confidence. Understand that you don't NEED someone in your life. You can and will live fine without them. You must never NEED someone, only want them. I cannot emphasize personal improvement enough. Almost every aspect of our life in regards to success can be directly attributed to our confidence and self-esteem. At healthy levels, we will find much success in everything we do. When the levels are below healthy, we often find failure. Not because of the situation, but because of how we viewed ourselves. If you are a clingy guy, some essential reading: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and any of "David DeAngelo's" stuff. Pay less attention to the pickup lines and focus on his insistence on confidence and self-esteem. He's dead right on everything he says in regards to confidence. Remember boys: No woman respects a man who constantly kisses her ass. You must have mutual respect for each other and that cannot be had with ass-kissing.
11. LEARN BOUNDARIES: Boundaries are essential for anyone with healthy confidence, self respect and self-esteem. Learn to make boundaries clear from the start of a relationship and have repercussions for crossing them. When you set a boundary, it is imperative for you to follow through on your actions. If you make it clear to someone you are dating that if they say they are going to meet you somewhere at a certain time and don't, make it clear it better not happen again. People whom you allow to cross your boundaries with no repercussions will lose respect for you and continue to cross them. Remember again, RESPECT PRECEDES LOVE. Without respect, there cannot be love. Read "Love Must Be Tough" for more information on boundaries and why they are essential. Boundaries are not just for relationships. They are essential at home, at work and throughout your life.
12. NEVER TELL YOURSELF NO ONE WILL LOVE YOU: That's a self-defeatist attitude that not only will keep you down, but is just outright WRONG. There is someone out there that will love you in the way you want. You just have to find them. And you certainly won't find them if you are wallowing in self-doubt and pity. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps! You have plenty to live for and while no one likes to go through a bad breakup, it's almost an essential part of life. How else are you going to learn the lessons of love without going through the hard knocks? Trust me, as long as you learn something from the relationship and self-improvement you are almost guaranteed greater success the next time. You will have learned valuable lessons to guide your future relationships. And, if you have rebuilt your confidence and self-esteem you will naturally attract those with the same qualities. Remember (especially guys) that attraction while initially might be based on looks will never last without you have strong confidence and self-esteem. However, you can attract and keep a great woman in your life without having great looks, as long as you do have strong confidence and self-esteem.
13. ACCEPT THAT SOME THINGS JUST AREN'T MEANT TO BE: Keep in mind that you may follow this guideline to a "T" and in the end and still they may never come back. Some people are just not meant to be together. But don't get discouraged. Use this experience to guide all future relationships. How much do you love your ex? Do you love them enough to want them to be happy even if it's not with you? To me, that is the true test of love. Not only do you love them unconditionally, warts and all, but that you want them to be happy with or without you. There is someone out there for you, but until your confidence and self-esteem is at healthy levels, until your life is full of happiness and fun, until you realize that you have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, you won't find them. People with all those positive attributes don't have to look for a mate, they usually find them.
CONCLUSION
How you choose to handle your breakup is a personal decision, of course. As long as you choose to accept the reality and face your pain, then there is no “right or wrong way”. But in the end, do yourself the favour if you haven’t done so already and just face the fact that you will be in pain and that you will most likely never be with this person again head on, because that’s when the true healing beings to take place.
“If you love someone so much, let it go free, if it comes back to you then it’s meant to be yours, but if it doesn’t then it wasn’t yours to begin with. Do not hold on. Let it go because true love is not measured by holding on but by letting go...”
APPRECIATION
All gratitude and appreciation goes to my ex who have made it possible to compile all this work and let me share it with others. Without her I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have taken a step towards reassessing my relationship. Best of luck to her in finding her true love and best of luck to you guys out there...
from boyd.
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